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I’ve had a long week at work. The type of long week that leaves you feeling like it’s Groundhog Day, waking up each day crying into your coffee with a futile hope that it will be Friday. Well, since today is in fact Friday, I decided to give myself a reprieve and catch up on some of the newsworthy topics I missed this week. After seeing some of these headlines, I couldn’t help but share a few of my thoughts.

(Photograph: Indigo/Getty Images via The Guardian)

Prince Harry was caught with his pants down in Vegas. Oh, wait, they weren’t just down they were nowhere to be found. Suspiciously enough, neither was a single item of clothing of his female companions. While all those prim and proper are screaming “SCANDAL,” I have to ask – why is anyone feigning surprise? You mix a 20-something testosterone-filled ginger with unlimited wealth, subtract any and all responsibility as you’ve stuck his brother with that (and a pretty British princess) and send him to VEGAS? I mean, really. Nudie pictures are child’s play. I view this as a victory, old chaps! Can’t we just be happy he didn’t get rufied, steal Mike Tyson’s tiger and/or adopt a stripper’s baby. Ok, sure, he probably made a few babies, but keep calm and carry on folks. That is your motto, is it not?

Oh, Lancey Pants. What a shame. Whether you did or not, your legacy is now going to be reduced to that cyclist guy who left his wife for shacked up with Sheryl Crow and liked to run shirtless alongside Matthew McConaughey. Shattering a man’s entire reputation and stripping him of his legacy seems a wee bit harsh, USADA. However, as someone who admittedly hasn’t had much free time to read up on the matter and is therefore not informed enough to make a judgement, I offer the following compromise:

Cancer = Significant disadvantage
Brain surgery = Significant disadvantage
Chemotherapy = Really significant disadvantage
Doping = Significant advantage

How about we take away mehhh, say three or four of those SEVEN titles? Surely the man deserves a few wins for enduring testicular cancer and brain tumors and still WINNING? Quick someone call Charlie Sheen. I suspect the expert on #winning while on drugs will be the next natural bromance in Lance’s life. After all, Lance needs a slew of celebrities he can cozy up to and sweat alongside to get him through.

A man tried to rob LL Cool J in his own home, while LL was sleeping. I’d love to know what would posses someone to think it is a good idea to burglarize the home of a rapper who’s song repertoire consists of titles such as “Mama Said Knock You Out.” What the hell did you THINK would happen? Did you think you were going to prance on in his mansion undetected, threatening the safety of the family of a man who makes his living off of being a straight up bad ass? The only thing more broken than your nose, face and ribs should be your pride, you freaking fool. The potential 38 years in prison you could serve is for your own safety. LL would kill you if you didn’t have the walls of a jail cell to protect you from the wrath of his bulging biceps and sexy six pack.

And with that, I’ll leave you with this parting shot for which there really are no words.